I stumbled on this piece in my feed and am so glad I did!! Thanks for normalizing / giving voice to experiences of love that aren’t considered “successful” but mean just as much — I particularly liked your resolution of the blurry line between staying in toxic situations vs. wholehearted acceptance with the latter giving you more clarity.
Wow, I'm so glad the algorithm put this piece in front of you! Thanks for the gift of your attention, and for sharing your thoughts here - it means a lot. :)
"Love, in these TikToks, is presented as something you can simply choose to consume, not as something that necessarily consumes you."
"Self-respect and self-confidence sound like qualities one can develop in isolation, but in reality, they’re only truly tested when we are at our most vulnerable: i.e., when we are already entangled in a relational state where we must choose between our own values and the preferences of others."
"Acceptance of the situation as it exists, warts and all, is a prerequisite, not an obstacle, to leaving the relationships that harm us the most."
"What I am really arguing, I think, is that love is least rewarding when we treat it like a sport, in which we can optimize outcomes by holding ourselves to a demanding set of requirements and judging potential partners in the same way."
love love love this. reminds me of a conversation my friends had after we had all read bell hooks' "all about love." i think most of us were frustrated with hooks' interpretation/definition of "love"--if it wasn't 100% unselfish and also borne from a place of utter self-respect, it wasn't true "love."
the convo also revealed two very different ideas of love--one friend felt that hiding their identity created more distance between them and their family and hurt the relationship, while another saw hiding their identity as the way to stay close with family members they loved deeply, in the limited time they had with them--i.e., as an act of love. i'm still turning over this conversation years later, and this essay was such a great addendum.
i am becoming increasingly convinced that everything in life is about balance. i suspect our modern "purity" culture seeks to banish all that's bad in the pursuit of justice, but perhaps we can go too far in one direction, and there are tradeoffs to everything. Similar to how you put it--"there are virtues higher than wisdom."
a recurring theme in my life now is parsing the difference--what is injustice or harm that I need to fight for a better world, and what is something i just need to accept for myself as part of the human experience.
mmm, i really appreciate you sharing all of this! i haven’t read all about love yet but will say that i’ve heard similar thoughts from friends whose opinions i respect - i do think that’s a very, very high and possibly unrealistic standard to place on love. and also what you said about disclosure/obfuscation is also so relevant to how i’ve been thinking about love lately! i am often tempted to overcommunicate in some of my relationships, but it’s not always a good thing: sometimes the desire to externalize my feelings comes from an inability to self-regulate, and depending on others to always see me fully in order to authenticate my experience can easily become unhealthy.
like you said, it’s all about balance! increasingly i believe maturity is the ability to hear out reasonable advice supporting all manner of different positions and having the self-knowledge to pick and choose exactly which spot on the spectrum, likely somewhere in the middle, is right for you
Yes I 100% feel you about the desire to externalize feelings and the need to feel Seen! More and more, I’m trying to find balance between Sharing as Connection and Sharing as Validation seeking. So tricky! To a more balance 2025 and beyond :)
Wow - gorgeous piece. This part especially spoke to me "I am stubbornly attached to my attachment. If I could have done anything differently, it wouldn’t have been to respect myself more, but rather to appreciate him more on his terms rather than mine, to embrace him as the person that he is, not the person that I wanted him to be"
Thank you for writing this. It sheds so much light on how I've experienced my relationship with someone who I have since broken up with, but still continue to have befuddling feelings for.
This was beautifully written—I think a lot about how some of this meshes with the view my parents have of partnership (with them coming from Pakistani culture + not exactly arranged marriage but being introduced by parents so totally unfamiliar with dating culture etc etc).
Especially appreciated “But how do you know in your bones that you are worthy of love until you’ve experienced being loved, along with all of its attendant risks?” (I sure don’t, lol)
high praise coming from you, Daniel! I do think that other cultures (or at least some strands within those cultures) have a different, less optimize-y relationship to dating that feels more realistic and grounded than dating discourse among young people in the west
hmm, yeah, i see where you're coming from! probably is a very case-by-case thing. i would say that my view of my parents marriage was more about finding something "good enough" (marrying because it was ones duty, making sure your partner hit a certain threshold for various qualities) than it was about finding your "soulmate" (your perfect match). in this way i feel like it was less about optimizing for perfection and more about finding someone you loved enough to make a life with
Yeah I think that’s right / same for my parents—I think I’d describe their entire approach as finding good enough, but sometimes I read off an optimize-y element in desi attitudes when it comes to things like family, etc
John, what an incredible piece. The last bit, so vulnerable, made me tear up. I am in a situation quite similar as you and have in the past months/weeks learned to be less rigid with myself and my love. I learned that love is not black or white but resides in a gray zone, which admittedly is hard for my brain to comprehend. Anyways, thank you, I saved it and will read it many more times. 💙
thank you so much for the kind feedback and sharing your experience of reading the piece! living in the gray zone is tough for me, too, and writing this piece helped me process my feelings in the same way that reading it might have helped you. ♥️
WOW i am so glad i found this piece. i think the ideas you expressed are so important and so needed in current discussions of love. your personal connection to them also resonated so deeply with me…… the last few lines had me floooreddddd. LOVEEEE THIS PIECE <3
I stumbled on this piece in my feed and am so glad I did!! Thanks for normalizing / giving voice to experiences of love that aren’t considered “successful” but mean just as much — I particularly liked your resolution of the blurry line between staying in toxic situations vs. wholehearted acceptance with the latter giving you more clarity.
Wow, I'm so glad the algorithm put this piece in front of you! Thanks for the gift of your attention, and for sharing your thoughts here - it means a lot. :)
so much of this has stuck with me:
"Love, in these TikToks, is presented as something you can simply choose to consume, not as something that necessarily consumes you."
"Self-respect and self-confidence sound like qualities one can develop in isolation, but in reality, they’re only truly tested when we are at our most vulnerable: i.e., when we are already entangled in a relational state where we must choose between our own values and the preferences of others."
"Acceptance of the situation as it exists, warts and all, is a prerequisite, not an obstacle, to leaving the relationships that harm us the most."
"What I am really arguing, I think, is that love is least rewarding when we treat it like a sport, in which we can optimize outcomes by holding ourselves to a demanding set of requirements and judging potential partners in the same way."
Omg who wrote those quotes...low-key they slayed
love love love this. reminds me of a conversation my friends had after we had all read bell hooks' "all about love." i think most of us were frustrated with hooks' interpretation/definition of "love"--if it wasn't 100% unselfish and also borne from a place of utter self-respect, it wasn't true "love."
the convo also revealed two very different ideas of love--one friend felt that hiding their identity created more distance between them and their family and hurt the relationship, while another saw hiding their identity as the way to stay close with family members they loved deeply, in the limited time they had with them--i.e., as an act of love. i'm still turning over this conversation years later, and this essay was such a great addendum.
i am becoming increasingly convinced that everything in life is about balance. i suspect our modern "purity" culture seeks to banish all that's bad in the pursuit of justice, but perhaps we can go too far in one direction, and there are tradeoffs to everything. Similar to how you put it--"there are virtues higher than wisdom."
a recurring theme in my life now is parsing the difference--what is injustice or harm that I need to fight for a better world, and what is something i just need to accept for myself as part of the human experience.
thanks again for this!
mmm, i really appreciate you sharing all of this! i haven’t read all about love yet but will say that i’ve heard similar thoughts from friends whose opinions i respect - i do think that’s a very, very high and possibly unrealistic standard to place on love. and also what you said about disclosure/obfuscation is also so relevant to how i’ve been thinking about love lately! i am often tempted to overcommunicate in some of my relationships, but it’s not always a good thing: sometimes the desire to externalize my feelings comes from an inability to self-regulate, and depending on others to always see me fully in order to authenticate my experience can easily become unhealthy.
like you said, it’s all about balance! increasingly i believe maturity is the ability to hear out reasonable advice supporting all manner of different positions and having the self-knowledge to pick and choose exactly which spot on the spectrum, likely somewhere in the middle, is right for you
Yes I 100% feel you about the desire to externalize feelings and the need to feel Seen! More and more, I’m trying to find balance between Sharing as Connection and Sharing as Validation seeking. So tricky! To a more balance 2025 and beyond :)
Wow - gorgeous piece. This part especially spoke to me "I am stubbornly attached to my attachment. If I could have done anything differently, it wouldn’t have been to respect myself more, but rather to appreciate him more on his terms rather than mine, to embrace him as the person that he is, not the person that I wanted him to be"
Thanks for reading Nix! Every day I understand more and more that love is a discipline
im very late but this is so fucking good
Thank you for writing this. It sheds so much light on how I've experienced my relationship with someone who I have since broken up with, but still continue to have befuddling feelings for.
glad it resonated Phil! :)
This was beautifully written—I think a lot about how some of this meshes with the view my parents have of partnership (with them coming from Pakistani culture + not exactly arranged marriage but being introduced by parents so totally unfamiliar with dating culture etc etc).
Especially appreciated “But how do you know in your bones that you are worthy of love until you’ve experienced being loved, along with all of its attendant risks?” (I sure don’t, lol)
high praise coming from you, Daniel! I do think that other cultures (or at least some strands within those cultures) have a different, less optimize-y relationship to dating that feels more realistic and grounded than dating discourse among young people in the west
I think some of it is in some ways less optimize-y and in other ways more ( / just optimizes for different things)?
hmm, yeah, i see where you're coming from! probably is a very case-by-case thing. i would say that my view of my parents marriage was more about finding something "good enough" (marrying because it was ones duty, making sure your partner hit a certain threshold for various qualities) than it was about finding your "soulmate" (your perfect match). in this way i feel like it was less about optimizing for perfection and more about finding someone you loved enough to make a life with
Yeah I think that’s right / same for my parents—I think I’d describe their entire approach as finding good enough, but sometimes I read off an optimize-y element in desi attitudes when it comes to things like family, etc
John, what an incredible piece. The last bit, so vulnerable, made me tear up. I am in a situation quite similar as you and have in the past months/weeks learned to be less rigid with myself and my love. I learned that love is not black or white but resides in a gray zone, which admittedly is hard for my brain to comprehend. Anyways, thank you, I saved it and will read it many more times. 💙
thank you so much for the kind feedback and sharing your experience of reading the piece! living in the gray zone is tough for me, too, and writing this piece helped me process my feelings in the same way that reading it might have helped you. ♥️
WOW i am so glad i found this piece. i think the ideas you expressed are so important and so needed in current discussions of love. your personal connection to them also resonated so deeply with me…… the last few lines had me floooreddddd. LOVEEEE THIS PIECE <3
glad you enjoyed it Emma! i appreciate your comment enormously :')
you never miss but this, especially, DID NOT! 🫶
this is so good (x5)
ily king 👑
🫶🏽